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Uniquely Me

I think my whole life I been doing for other people.  As far as I can remember I have had this big desire to help people.  Actually, I help people to my detriment.  I take on other people’s problems and map them out until I find a solution.  Then, I help them until they succeed. The after math has been crazy.  I always wondered why people go on to live these happy lives and never pay back the sentiment.  Why, cause I put too much into them and nothing into me.  Or I would encourage the whole world (it felt like) and no one ever encouraged me.  I would be so hurt.  So, disappointed.  The Kicker would be when I got into relationships with men.  I would be like the best girlfriend encouraging and supportive. But never get the same back.  Then, they go off with the next chick and she benefits from all my hard work.  I was too done. 

I felt like everyone around me was gifted and talented. Other people had so much to give and I had nothing. I could see everyone living in purpose but I never saw it in myself.  I guess that is why I gave so much to everyone else.  At the same, I felt like the things inside of me were so little and dumb. 

I had to realize a few things about me.  Well, I am a natural born encourager or exhorter.  I can’t help myself even if I tried.  Words just flow out me like water.  I had to realize that God will always put me in the path of people in need.  How far I take is on me.  (Which, I guess I could have taken it too far I in the past.)  I love serving people.  I love doing big things little things anything to help.  It just happens.  I speak truth.  Lord, knows that has gotten me in trouble.  I am not saying I have never lied but I don’t like dishonesty.  I actually have to be truthful I freak out when I don’t.  I have learned to control how I say things but if you don’t want the truth don’t ask me. I see things other people don’t.  I will notice the minutest detail or I will give ideas and thoughts in details no one can understand but me.  (My kids hate this.) That is probably why I ask a lot of questions. I have tried to stop myself but I can’t.  I guess that is the strategic planner in me.   I love to research all kinds of stuff.  Trust me when I say I know all kinds of information and I know it is not all for my use.  I love to network, in person or virtually via Twitter of course.  My interest is peaked and I try to make connections with each person I meet.  I guess that is why I know so many people.  I am creative. I can almost never do anything totally by the book without adding my own flare.  From cooking to writing to my everyday life I am always creating something new. 

With all that being said, it has become almost imperative that I accept me.  I have to finally just live and be me.  I guess my whole life in some ways I have been running away from all the things that are uniquely me.  I guess my whole life I was doing all the things God created me to do.  In 2013, I am not going to kill myself trying to prove that I am good enough.  I am not going to push to fit in a mold that will never fit.  I understand now that I love helping people find purpose.  All those things that I have in me help others find purpose.

With a new outlook on life I am able to be ok with being me.  And move forward. I am able to help people and  with no expectation. I am totally confortable with who God created me to be. 
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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Reading your story was like looking in the mirror. I am so proud of you for standing tall and for having the confidence to be who you are. Let your light shine!

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